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I joined OkCupid and filled out what they call a “profile”. I answered the general normal natural questions that most humans ask when they first meet someone like, “What are six things you can’t live without?” I easily nailed the perfect degree of cleverness for those questions, which is somewhere in between the stupid ass […]
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I adore having my nails done. Nothing makes me feel more smug than when I’m tapping away on my keyboard at work, my freshly-painted claws glistening and winking at me. When Boots have those 3-for-2 offers on I find myself scooping up Barry M pastels like pic’n’mix, only to discover I’ve already got […]
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Just before I had my abortion, in the abortion-place waiting room, filled with the other quiet women and quieter men, Papa Don’t Preach came on over the radio. ‘…I’m in trouble deep Papa don’t preach I been loooosin’ sleep’ The friend who had come with me, tense and full of care, muttered blackly, ‘Oh, […]
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Babies are great. They’re like big people, but without all the annoying habits you accrue with age. A baby won’t snort derisively if you tell them your optimistic career plans. A baby doesn’t check its messages surreptitiously on its iPhone while pretending to care about your day. Babies are fresh slates. They haven’t had […]
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I realised I was bi in a dramatic “oh-shit-I-also-like-girls” kind of way when I was about sixteen. I was just starting my A-levels at the kind of religious, all-girls’ school where everyone’s parents voted Tory, it was acceptable to describe a haircut as “dyke-y”, and watching the (fairly explicit) film adaption of Jeanette Winterson’s lesbi-epic, […]
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Above: Lady Gaga’s #nomakeupselfie Don’t get me wrong – I am well aware that there are bigger things to worry about than whether some people want to post up a picture of themselves without make-up and donate to a cancer charity. In the scheme of global injustices, it ranks pretty low. But, as my […]
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The other day I masturbated while watching the news. I suppose you want me to elaborate. What’s that? “No way!” you say? “There’s something deeply wrong with you!” you say? “Get the fuck away from me you demented weirdo, you belong in some sort of correctional facility miles and miles away from society!” you say? […]
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So I had sex for the first time on Sunday morning, around the time when my mum would have been driving to church. I have since slept casually with two other friends, and we’re on speaking terms. Why is this worth shouting about? Precisely because it isn’t. Losing my virginity did not change who I […]
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